The Cheese Files
by Jessa9
Summary: Mulder has lost his cheese! Oh no! Will he ever see it again, in all its cheesey goodness? Find out in... THE CHEESE FILES!!! lol
1. Who took Mulder's cheese?

Disclaimer: Do you THINK I own the X-Files? No? Congratulations, you win… um… nothing! But you were right, I don't. 

[SCULLY is sitting in the office. MULDER bursts in with an angry… well… more crazy than angry… look on his face.]

SCULLY (concerned) : What' s wrong Mulder?

MULDER: Don't play innocent with me Scully! I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know (gasps for air) that you know that I know-

SCULLY (cutting him off) : Get to the _point_ Mulder. If there is one.

MULDER: I know that you know what happened to my cheese!

SCULLY (offended): What would I want with your cheese? It's all moldy because you don't even have it in your refrigerator! 

MULDER (gasps in horror): How do you know that? It's because you took it, isn't it? (cries)

SCULLY (getting really annoyed): Stop crying Mulder. I mean, jeez, what's so special about your disgusting moldy cheese?

MULDER: I dunno. You tell me. You're the one who STOLE IT! (sobs)

SCULLY (exasperated): Mulder, how did you come to the conclusion that *I*, of all people, stole your cheese?

MULDER (rolls eyes): Hel-lo! You're the only one with access to my apartment, and the door wasn't forced! DUH! (pauses) But, then again, my lock has been broken for a while now…

SCULLY: (glares)

MULDER: Sorry.

SCULLY: (sighs) Never mind, lets just forget about this whole thing, okay?

MULDER (frantically): But we have to find out who stole my cheese, Scully!

SCULLY: Mulder, let's just say it was Krycek.

MULDER: (gasps) How do you know? You're working with him, aren't you? (eyes water)

SCULLY (sarcastically): Actually, he called here and demanded a ransom of 5 million dollars for the safe return of your MOLDY CHEESE!!!

MULDER (whimpering): Really?

SCULLY: NO, you IDIOT!

MULDER: Don't call me an idiot Scully. It hurts my feelings.

SCULLY (near tears): I'm sorry Mulder! I'll never say the i-word again!

MULDER: Okay.

SCULLY: Mulder, what can I do to make it up to you?

MULDER: Well, there is one thing…

SCULLY: What?

MULDER: Will you help me rescue my cheese from Krycek?

SCULLY: Mulder, Krycek didn't take your cheese!

MULDER: How do you know?

SCULLY: Mulder, plea-

MULDER: Prove to me he didn't take my cheese and we won't go.

SCULLY (defeated): I can't…

MULDER: OFF WE GOOOOOOOOOOOO!

To Be Continued…


	2. Krycek, CSM, and Mandi took Mulder's che...

Disclaimer: I certainly wish I owned anything to DO with the X-Files but, sadly, I do not… I don't own cheese either… oh wait, there's some in the fridge. Scratch that.

[While MULDER and SCULLY were… em… "discussing" the whole cheese "situation", KRYCEK was in his hidden underground lair thing that I *coughjustmadeupcough*]

KRYCEK(mumbling): Soon all of the cheese in the world will belong to me! Me! (voice rising to a shriek) MEEEEEEEE! (pants) (resumes mumbling) My master plan will soon be put in to action! Action! (voice rising) ACTIONNNNNNNNNN!!! (pants)

Cigarette-Smoking Man(CSM): No Alex, your plan will not work because I am the only one with… THE MASTER CHEESE!

KRYCEK(whimpering): I'll give you anything for the cheese! Anything!

CSM: I will only give you this (whips out (surprise) MULDER's cheese, which is in fact moldy and looks like its been rotten for about a month) cheese if you give me your (lightning crackles outside) SOUL!

KRYCEK(staring at cheese): Okay. Here, you can have it. (gives CSM his soul. Don't ask how.)

CSM: Gee, thanks. (hands cheese to KRYCEK)

[CSM walks off gleefully with KRYCEK's soul in a jar. When he opens the door, a little dog by the name of MANDI rushes in. MANDI is a Yorkshire terrier crossed poodle. MANDI is also very hyper. MANDI will bite anything and everything she can get her teeth into.]

KRYCEK: Well hello little doggy. (reaches out with his fake arm to pet her)

MANDI: RUFF RUFF RUFF RUFF RUFF! (bites down on KRYCEK's arm and runs off with it in her teeth, apparently unaware of the fact that it is, in fact, plastic. Or something that resembles plastic. Or whatever)

KRYCEK: My arm, my arm! I'm going to bleed to death! Oh NOOOOO!…oh, wait. That was my fake arm. (relieved) At least that stupid dog didn't take my cheese!

MANDI: RUFF RUFF RUFF RUFF RUFF! (grabs MULDER's (well, I suppose it's KRYCEK's now. After all, he did sell his soul to get it) cheese)

KRYCEK: Drat. When am I going to learn to keep my big mouth shut? Oh well, at least I'm not dying, like I do in so many of Jaenie's fanfics.

(laughter from off screen)

MANDI: RUFF RUFF RUFF RUFF RUFF! (bites KRYCEK several times, finally leaving him bloodied and half dead on the floor of his underground lair.

KRYCEK: Wow, I'm not dead! That's amazing!

TBC…

A/N: Mandi is a character based on my little sister… Oh, wait, my little sister's dog. Sorry, confused the two there for a moment ;) 


	3. We must find the cheese!

Disclaimer: I don't own Mulder, or Scully, or Krycek, or anything else to do with the X-Files. *sniff* Also. I don't own Goldfish or the Goldfish jingle. Although I do like those tasty little Goldfish…

[MULDER and SCULLY are in a car, headed for the entrance to KRYCEK's (not so) secret underground lair. SCULLY looks annoyed. MULDER is humming along with the radio, which is in fact not even on a real song, but the Goldfish commercial jingle. He starts singing off key, causing SCULLY to groan and cover her ears.]

MULDER: This is our jingle for Goldfish, those tasty little Goldfish, the wholesome snack that smiles back until you bite their heads off, and did you know they're made with real chee… CHEESE! (cries) Oh my cheese, will I ever know your cheesy goodness again?

SCULLY (tentatively removing her hands from her ears): Mulder, what is so darn special about your cheese? Why is it oh-so important that we get it back?

MULDER (wails): CHEESE! Oh, my poor cheese! What evil my poor cheese must be suffering in the hands of the foul Krycek!

SCULLY: Mulder, are you even listening to me?

MULDER: MY POOR SWEET CHEESE!

SCULLY (sighs): I'll take that as a "no".

MULDER: Did you say something?

SCULLY: Yes, Mulder, I did. I asked you what was so special about your rotten cheese that we drive halfway across the state of Maryland to get to what you claim is Krycek's underground lair, but which is in fact an old sewer!

MULDER: It is his underground lair. He picked that spot because it is as foul smelling and disgusting as he is!

SCULLY: You're one to talk, stinky-cheese man.

MULDER: (cries) MY CHEESE! OH, MY POOR INNOCENT CHEESE!

SCULLY: You still haven't answered my question.

MULDER: You won't believe me.

SCULLY: That's never stopped you before.

MULDER: Good point. Anyway, my cheese, which you so ridiculously describe as rotten, moldy, and stinky (SCULLY thinks: Because it is…) is the master cheese, and anyone who owns it commands all the cheese in the entire world. The master cheese can be used for good or evil, and in the hands of the foul Krycek who knows what damage it could do?

SCULLY: (stares)

MULDER: I told you that you wouldn't believe me.

SCULLY: You seriously believe that your cheese controls all of the cheese in the world?

MULDER: I don't just believe, I know.

SCULLY: You're scaring me, Mulder.

MULDER: We must DRIVE ON! Already Krycek may be assembling his mighty CHEESE ARMY OF DOOM!

SCULLY: (sighs)

[MULDER begins singing along with the commercials again, and SCULLY is now prepared and stuffs earplugs in her ears. They pull up to a deserted place and MULDER looks distraught.]

MULDER: I'm distraught.  
SCULLY: Why? Is it because of your godforsaken CHEESE?

MULDER: No.

SCULLY: That's a relief.

MULDER: Well, I guess it is. Sort of.

SCULLY: (groans) Great…

MULDER: I don't sense the presence of the master cheese!

SCULLY: You can sense its PRESENCE?!?!

MULDER: What? It's not like I can't do it with anything else!

SCULLY: Whatever Mulder, just go beat Krycek to death and let's move on.

MULDER: That's a great idea! I bet I can get him to tell us where he has hidden the master cheese! Then we can go find it and maybe even take over the world!

SCULLY: You're getting a little extreme there. I'm not sure if I want to take over the world. Wayyyyy too much responsibility. You'd have to feed everybody, for crying out loud!

MULDER: Oh, okay. Then we'll just find it before whoever has it takes over the world.

SCULLY: I thought you were convinced that Krycek had it.

MULDER: Yeah, but he might have an accomplice.

SCULLY: Oh.

[They go into the sewer, where MULDER finds KRYCEK and beats him to half-death, which killed him because, if you recall correctly, MANDI already half-killed him. But before that, SCULLY got him to tell them what happened to the master cheese. She thought he was lying, but that was the only thing she got out of him before MULDER killed him.]

SCULLY: What'd you do that for?

MULDER: He already told you what happened to the cheese, duh.

SCULLY: Hel-lo! He was lying! I know it!

MULDER (rolls eyes): Well sor-ry!

SCULLY: Whatever. Maybe we should try to find this Mandi character anyway. For all we know she's real.

MULDER: I thought that you thought that I was insane because of my cheese, Scully. You believe me now? (doesn't wait for an answer) That's so great!!!

SCULLY: (rolls eyes) Whatever you want to believe, Mulder.

MULDER: Let's follow my cheese sense! I think the cheese went (sniffs air)(points east) THATAWAY!

SCULLY: You do realize that "thataway" isn't a word.

MULDER: You do realize that you just said it. SO THERE!

SCULLY: Hmph!

TBC…


	4. The final chapter of insanity

Disclaimer: Of COURSE I own everything! Why **wouldn't** a fanfiction writer own everything s/he writes about. That's why it's called "fanfiction", right? Because you own everything. Yep, I own X-Files, Oreos, Raisinets, Hershey's Kisses, the whole deal. (for all you rocket scientists out there, and/or people who can't take a joke and want an excuse to sue people, I actually don't own anything. I don't know why you people make me say this. It hurts my self-esteen.)

[Our favorite little dog MANDI is running along the streets with MULDER's (KRYCEK's?) cheese in her mouth, apparently not noticing the mold. She is yapping her brains out (not literally, since she never really **had** a brain) when she sees a car zoom by the otherwise deserted street. She of course has to give in to the urge to chase it.]

MANDI: RUFF RUFF RUFF RUFF RUFF! YAPITY YAP YAP YAP! RUFF RUFF!

MULDER(from inside car): Scully, why is that dog chasing our car?

SCULLY: It's MY car, FYI. And I don't know.

MULDER: I know! That dog is Mandi, and it's trying to give the master cheese to us because she knows that the cheese belongs with me. I've never seen a smarter dog!

SCULLY: (sigh) Maybe she's just another stupid dog who likes to chase after cars.

MULDER: Scully! How can you say that about the carrier of the master cheese?

MANDI (outside): YAP YAP YAP! ARF ARF ARF! RUFF ARF RUFF! YAP RUFF YAP!

MULDER: She's trying to tell us something! Stop the car!

SCULLY: No.

MULDER: Please? Pretty please with ice cream and sugar and a cherry on top? Pretty please with cherries and chocolate and Oreos and Hershey's Kisses and ice cream of all your favorite flavors and cheeseburgers and-

SCULLY: Cheeseburgers, Mulder?

MULDER: Yes. Although I'm not sure how many will be left since Krycek probably assembled at least some of his cheese army of doom before that wonderful dog out there stole the cheese from him. Anyway, continuing from where I left off-- cheeseburgers and all your favorite kinds of hard candy and Raisinets and more ice cream and--

SCULLY: Alright, alright. I'll stop if you stop rambling on about food and reminding me about the fact that you dragged me out here before I even had my whole breakfast!

MULDER: We can eat after I get the cheese.

SCULLY: (sighs and stops car)

MULDER: Here, doggy doggy doggy!

SCULLY: (rolls eyes)

MANDI: (runs over to Mulder and drops cheese at his feet) RUFF! (bites Mulder's ankles)

SCULLY: (stifles laughter)

MULDER: Ow! Scully, make her stop!

SCULLY: Why? She **is** the most wonderful, smart dog in the world, right?

MULDER: No!

SCULLY (mock shocked): But, Mulder, that's what YOU said.

MULDER: Well, it's not true anymore.

SCULLY: (rolls eyes and grabs MANDI, dragging her away from MULDER's ankles. She then holds the dog's mouth shut with one hand and supports her with the other while MULDER picks up his cheese, with which he is finally reunited (awww))

MULDER: Oh, cheese! I have finally found you!

CHEESE: It's about time too!

EVERYONE EXCEPT CHEESE: (gasps)

CHEESE: What'd you expect? I *am* the Master Cheese you know! Oh, and Jaenie? I really don't like how you kept saying "master cheese" without the capitals. It's very insulting.

JAENIE (off screen): Well sor-ry. I didn't know you could tell.

CHEESE: You don't have to be so rude. (to MULDER) Now can you please take my back to your kitchen? Put me in the fridge this time. It' really disgusting feeling to have all this mold on me.

SCULLY: (smirks)

MULDER: I'll do anything for you, Cheese! I love you in all of your cheesy glory!

CHEESE: That's nice.

SCULLY (whining): But Mulder, you said that we'd eat after we found your cheese!

MULDER: We must return the cheese to its rightful place on my kitchen counter first!

CHEESE: (clears throat. Don't ask)

MULDER: Oh, right. We must return the Master Cheese to its rightful place in my kitchen refrigerator first!

CHEESE: (nods approvingly. Don't ask how a cheese can do that. It just can.)

SCULLY: Oh, fine.

[They go back to MULDER's apartment and put the master cheese (CHEESE glares at JAENIE) Oh, right. They put the Master Cheese in the fridge and went to Burger King to get some Whoppers. Then they went to Dairy Queen and got ice cream, then went to the grocery store and SCULLY made MULDER buy all the stuff he put on top of his "pretty please". It was very satisfying for her.]

THE END.

Wait, you want to know what became of Mandi? Well, the author's sister became attached to the dog because it followed her everywhere. So the author's family did something stupid and adopted her. The little monster still bites ankles and chases cars to this very day.

THE **REAL** END


End file.
